7 reasons why I can’t hear you

1. I’m not interested in the topics

The most common is the complaints of my wife or colleagues.
What I would like to clarify is I’m interested in my wife and colleagues. But it’s tough to listen to those complaints. It’s negative and hopeless and endless.

Also, I don’t want to listen to topics that simply I’m not interested in.
For example, my wife’s friend of a friend had an accident. I’ｍ sorry but I don’t want to know the detail of the accident.

2. I want to talk

I think everyone wants to talk. In other words, everyone wants to be acknowledged.

In the business scene, when a customer asks a question or says a negative comment, I’m preparing an answer and counter comment in my mind, and then I can’t concentrate listening to the customer.
I should listen to the customer first and understand what they talk and then say something.

In the private scene, when a friend talks about a trip to Italy, I would like to talk about a previous trip to Italy. I try not to interrupt my friend’s talk but…
I should not interrupt and let them finish and ask how he feels. After he feels he talks about everything he wants to talk, now is the time I can talk about my trip.

3. I want to know

I ask questions when I can’t see the point during listening.
Asking questions itself is not a problem.
However, if I interrupt frequently to ask questions, you may feel I don’t listen to you. Or you feel like a police investigation.
Actually, I listen to you. That’s why I ask a question.
But you feel I don’t listen to you.

The better way is that I should wait until you finish talking before asking a question. Then you feel I listen to you.

4. I want to help you

When someone talked to me about trouble or something inconvenient, sometimes I advised or encourage them.
But in most cases, they don’t want my advice.
They want me to listen and acknowledge and sympathize.
This is a typical mistake I often did.

Michael S. Sorensen wrote in the book “I hear you” about how we feel when we have advice.

If you advise which suggests
1. you don’t think they should feel the way they do
2. you know how to resolve the issue better than they do
This is not to say there’s no place for feedback or advice in a conversation; this is simply not the best time.

I learned I have to be very careful when I would like to advise. I can ask if they need my advice.
If I would like to help someone, listen first and validate their emotion.
That’s all I need to do.
Giving advice or feedback is completely optional.

5. I’m not patient

Have you ever think “Give me a conclusion first” or “What’s your point?” when you are listening?
It is tough to listen to the talk that I don’t understand the point.
So sometimes I interrupt to ask for the conclusion or ask some questions for my understanding. 
Interrupting and asking questions is sometimes happen in the business scene and it’s usual and necessary to have the same understanding. But if they feel some stress and need someone to listen to be acknowledged and empathetic, maybe it’s better to listen without interrupting.

6. I’m busy

When I look at my smartphone and think about how to reply to a business e-mail.
I want to say “I’m busy”. But someone talks to me because he/she doesn’t know I’m working.
I can’t concentrate on his/her talking. I should say “I’m busy, give me a few minutes to finish this e-mail.”

When I go home at 10 pm, my wife talks to me. I want to say, “I’m tired and hungry so I want to leave my bag in my room and eat something.”
I’m standing and listen to her talk. I am finding a good point to interrupt and go to my room and then the kitchen.
It looks like I don’t listen to her. She may be dissatisfied with my attitude.
I should say “Give me a few minutes”…

7. I’m not wrong

Most of us like to think that we can accept constructive criticism, and on the other hand, most of us know people who can’t.

I am trying to be open to listen to criticism and advice.
However, my wife said, “you don’t listen to me when I complain”.
It’s a long way to learn the art of listening.
Let’s learn together!